To all of those people who think dog walking is a fun job.......
Try walking a dog in December, in 20 degree weather, in Tribeca where the wind blows in every direction and freezes the snot to your face. Or how about dealing with dog owners at the dog run who allow their dog to repeatedly hump other dogs and say "They're just playing." Or you know what's really fun? When you get to give a descriptive report about a dog's poop. Or picking up said poop.
I can deal with these things. They're not so bad. The worst part is dealing with the rich people who feel they are entitled. For example, one of my clients, let's call her Chip, is a horrible person. There's not a lot of people I dislike, but I very much dislike her. Most of my clients are really awesome, and they see me as a person, as a human being. But not Chip. She sees me as "the help." Or better yet, pond scum. I'm not sure why she thinks she's better than me just because she has money. She's rich by default (aka, she married rich). From what I've observed, she doesn't do much with her life. She works out. I guess that's something. I've tried to rack my brains to figure out why she might be better than me.
1. She's thin
Well, for that matter, so am I
2. She's semi-attractive
Sorry, I think I'm cuter
3. She has a very nice set of fake boobs
I guess she beat me on that, but I have a nice set of real boobs, if I do say so myself
So far, it looks like she has no reason to think she's better than me. I also get bonus points because I have a soul. I feel that if there was a scenario like "It's a Wonderful Life" and Clarence granted her the wish to see what life would be like if she hadn't been born, this planet would be a much nicer place.
She's also a giant Scrooge. She is the only client, who is getting her dog walked on Christmas. She even checked with me today to make sure that someone was coming. You bet, someone is coming to walk your dog even though you will be home doing nothing, which is always the case with her. I think her dog is more of an accessory than a pet. Instead of going to the gym to walk on the treadmill, try walking your fucking dog. I thought by some Christmas miracle, like Scrooge, she would have a change of heart and realize she doesn't need to be a horrible person. Maybe she could be kind, and show some compassion. She didn't bother to give me a Christmas bonus, which I wasn't expecting anyways. I'm actually glad she didn't, because if she did, I would feel guilty and maybe start to believe that she has a soul.
So, as I left her house, in the freezing cold, to go get my next dog, I tried to talk myself out of my grouchy mood. I did not want to waste any of my thoughts and energy on her. So I thought about the things I should be grateful for. I have a job. My bosses and fellow employees are really nice. I don't have to work in a cubicle. Doggies are cute. And just as I was starting to feel a little better, a giant truck came out of nowhere and almost hit me. The idiot didn't even see me there. I was so pissed, I slammed the side of the truck with my hand and screamed, "You almost hit me!" I hope I shook him up, because he shook me up.
I need some frigging Christmas cheer right now. I think I'll go home, get some hot chocolate, snuggle up under the covers, watch "It's a Wonderful Life" and ball my eyes out.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
SWF sks Goiter Man
I'm going to Ohio for Christmas to see my family, and to possibly meet someone that I've met on the Internet. He's from New York too, but his family is also in Ohio and we're going home around the same time. Wouldn't that be romantic? Two strangers from New York who met on an online dating site, meet for the first time at a Denny's in Medina Ohio?
So, I guess I should start with why I'm doing this online dating stuff. I didn't sign up just so I could find someone to kiss on New Years, I'm fine with playing Junior Trivial Pursuit with my cousins when the ball drops. I'm not even looking for a relationship. Online dating is something I wouldn't normally do because it just seems like such an unnatural way to meet someone, but some of my friends are on there, and they seem to like it, and I'm bored, so I decide to just do it. I'll challenge myself. Who knows? Maybe I could meet someone. But if I don't, I'm fine with that.
When I first signed up, I was addicted and I would be online all the time, taking quizzes and looking for matches in the New York area. One day I got a message saying that someone had favorited me. If you aren't familiar with online dating, the "favorite" thing is where you see someones profile you like, you favorite them and it saves them on your profile. So, this guy did that with me, and it alerts me, so I know he likes me. So of course I immediately check out his profile.
The profile is very vague and makes no sense at all, but it mentions that he has a 40 pound goiter. Right away I'm intrigued. Does he really have a 40 pound goiter? Because that would be a medical mystery. Or maybe he has a much smaller goiter and he's saying it's that big so you aren't as shocked when you see the much smaller goiter. I want the answer, so I figure"What the hell?" and I favorite him back. Almost a minute later, my little online chat pops up and it's him
"check your inbox"
I look at my inbox and he has sent me a two page novel of an email entitled "Erudite Epicure sks Sexy B-girl for Succor and Sin." He tells me to chat him after I've read it. But basically it starts with him quoting Keats and it ends with "I think it was Polonius who once said...." It's very long and boring, and it mentions "Let's get drinks and see where the night takes us." Yep, not what I'm looking for at all.
At this point, I'm a little weirded out. All this guy knew about me was what was on my profile, and he was already planning our future together. I decide not to respond. Partly, because I don't have time, and partly because this guy seems a little crazy.
The next day, as soon as I sign on, he starts chatting with me. He asks me when we should meet. I tell him "I don't think we're looking for the same thing, that I'm not looking for a serious relationship or romance at the moment. I just want to meet new people and make friends." He says, "Isn't that how it starts?" So we chat a little longer and he seems really pushy. He lives in Brooklyn and he keeps trying to convince me to come meet him in Brooklyn and I'm thinking "There is no way I'm going any where near your apartment." He tells me maybe we can meet in Manhattan somewhere for drinks. He wants me to think about it.
So, I do. What if I did go meet him and he turned out to be great? What if we met in person and had an instant connection. But based on our conversation so far, I really doubted that would happen. But, he could be crazy and what if I met him and he stalked me and raped me and killed me and then chopped me into little pieces. That, I thought was more likely. And I signed up for this site, looking to challenge myself....so I decided to go for it.
The next day I get online and wait for him to message me. I see that crazy man is online, but he hasn't messaged me yet. I'm a little hurt. The potentially crazy, potential goiter man that I've chatted with a few times on the Internet, has rejected me. I thought I was special. I thought I was the only one he wanted to stalk. He was probably sending two page emails to other girls.
But then, finally, he messages me, asking when we're going to meet. I might be putting my life in danger by meeting this crazy man, but I'm not stupid, so I put a plan into action. I set it up so there's a time frame of a couple hours, and I have a show to go to after so I have an out. I pick Chelsea for coffee that's safe. He picks a coffee place and I immediately google it, to make sure it's not an abandoned warehouse or something. Nope, it turns out it's legit. I also set up texts from three different friends to happen during the meeting, to make sure I'm not dead.
So, I get to the place early and take a seat. When he walks in, he doesn't look crazy at all. The best description I can think of is he looked like a character out of The Secret Garden. Like Uncle Archibald without the hump. And rounder. He had longish, well kept hair and a floor length black wool coat with a high collar. And no goiter. I couldn't help but be disappointed. He was perfectly nice and smart and interesting, but it definitely wasn't an instant connection, and he wasn't crazy. Lucky for that, because two of the friends that were supposed to text me forgot, and my other friend was late in texting. If he was crazy, I would have been dead by then.
We talked for a while and when it was time to go he mentioned meeting up together in Ohio at Christmas. I said "I don't think so." I think he got the hint, because he hasn't messaged me since.
So, maybe I'll be alone this Christmas but I'm okay with that, because I know somewhere, out there, there is a special someone for me. With a 40 pound goiter.
So, I guess I should start with why I'm doing this online dating stuff. I didn't sign up just so I could find someone to kiss on New Years, I'm fine with playing Junior Trivial Pursuit with my cousins when the ball drops. I'm not even looking for a relationship. Online dating is something I wouldn't normally do because it just seems like such an unnatural way to meet someone, but some of my friends are on there, and they seem to like it, and I'm bored, so I decide to just do it. I'll challenge myself. Who knows? Maybe I could meet someone. But if I don't, I'm fine with that.
When I first signed up, I was addicted and I would be online all the time, taking quizzes and looking for matches in the New York area. One day I got a message saying that someone had favorited me. If you aren't familiar with online dating, the "favorite" thing is where you see someones profile you like, you favorite them and it saves them on your profile. So, this guy did that with me, and it alerts me, so I know he likes me. So of course I immediately check out his profile.
The profile is very vague and makes no sense at all, but it mentions that he has a 40 pound goiter. Right away I'm intrigued. Does he really have a 40 pound goiter? Because that would be a medical mystery. Or maybe he has a much smaller goiter and he's saying it's that big so you aren't as shocked when you see the much smaller goiter. I want the answer, so I figure"What the hell?" and I favorite him back. Almost a minute later, my little online chat pops up and it's him
"check your inbox"
I look at my inbox and he has sent me a two page novel of an email entitled "Erudite Epicure sks Sexy B-girl for Succor and Sin." He tells me to chat him after I've read it. But basically it starts with him quoting Keats and it ends with "I think it was Polonius who once said...." It's very long and boring, and it mentions "Let's get drinks and see where the night takes us." Yep, not what I'm looking for at all.
At this point, I'm a little weirded out. All this guy knew about me was what was on my profile, and he was already planning our future together. I decide not to respond. Partly, because I don't have time, and partly because this guy seems a little crazy.
The next day, as soon as I sign on, he starts chatting with me. He asks me when we should meet. I tell him "I don't think we're looking for the same thing, that I'm not looking for a serious relationship or romance at the moment. I just want to meet new people and make friends." He says, "Isn't that how it starts?" So we chat a little longer and he seems really pushy. He lives in Brooklyn and he keeps trying to convince me to come meet him in Brooklyn and I'm thinking "There is no way I'm going any where near your apartment." He tells me maybe we can meet in Manhattan somewhere for drinks. He wants me to think about it.
So, I do. What if I did go meet him and he turned out to be great? What if we met in person and had an instant connection. But based on our conversation so far, I really doubted that would happen. But, he could be crazy and what if I met him and he stalked me and raped me and killed me and then chopped me into little pieces. That, I thought was more likely. And I signed up for this site, looking to challenge myself....so I decided to go for it.
The next day I get online and wait for him to message me. I see that crazy man is online, but he hasn't messaged me yet. I'm a little hurt. The potentially crazy, potential goiter man that I've chatted with a few times on the Internet, has rejected me. I thought I was special. I thought I was the only one he wanted to stalk. He was probably sending two page emails to other girls.
But then, finally, he messages me, asking when we're going to meet. I might be putting my life in danger by meeting this crazy man, but I'm not stupid, so I put a plan into action. I set it up so there's a time frame of a couple hours, and I have a show to go to after so I have an out. I pick Chelsea for coffee that's safe. He picks a coffee place and I immediately google it, to make sure it's not an abandoned warehouse or something. Nope, it turns out it's legit. I also set up texts from three different friends to happen during the meeting, to make sure I'm not dead.
So, I get to the place early and take a seat. When he walks in, he doesn't look crazy at all. The best description I can think of is he looked like a character out of The Secret Garden. Like Uncle Archibald without the hump. And rounder. He had longish, well kept hair and a floor length black wool coat with a high collar. And no goiter. I couldn't help but be disappointed. He was perfectly nice and smart and interesting, but it definitely wasn't an instant connection, and he wasn't crazy. Lucky for that, because two of the friends that were supposed to text me forgot, and my other friend was late in texting. If he was crazy, I would have been dead by then.
We talked for a while and when it was time to go he mentioned meeting up together in Ohio at Christmas. I said "I don't think so." I think he got the hint, because he hasn't messaged me since.
So, maybe I'll be alone this Christmas but I'm okay with that, because I know somewhere, out there, there is a special someone for me. With a 40 pound goiter.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Category- Normal/Interesting/Potentially crazy
With the online dating, I've started dividing the men into different categories. There's the shirtless guys, the boring/non-interesting guys, the married guys, the crazies, and the normal/interesting/ (but potentially crazy) guys.
So far, I've only had two normal/interesting people. One, is my Texan pen pal. But for all I know, he could be crazy and not even from Texas. What if he created this whole Texan persona, faked all the pictures (one, including a picture of him in camo holding a gun) as a play to get unsuspecting, naive girls to write him, feeling safe because the guy was all the way in Texas. But what if he's really in New York, using every word against me, tracking me down and waiting to murder me in my sleep and chop me into little pieces and save me in his freezer. I know it sounds a little unrealistic, but these are things a girl has to think about when dating online. You can't let your guard down.
Then, there's a normal/interesting guy that I'm actually going to meet. Well, to start, he seems cute from his pictures. I'm not a shallow girl, I'm usually attracted more to personality than anything, but one can't help but wonder that maybe these pictures don't represent him well. Maybe they are really old and he looks totally different now. Or, what if he does look like his pictures, and I am actually attracted to him. That could be a good thing right? The only problem is, he seems to like me. And when someone likes me, I always think, "What's wrong with this person?" I'm not an insecure person, but in my life of romance, it usually seems to be the case that if someone I like, likes me back, there is some sort of issue that hinders the relationship.
There are a couple of different scenarios for when I meet this person.
One: I meet him, and he's a loser.
I don't think that will happen. He seems to be very honest about who he is and what he's doing. And I've liked him so far.
Two: He could fall madly in love with me and want to marry me.
This also seems unlikely, which is good, because this is not what I want
Three: He could just want to sex me
This scenario is highly probable because, well, I'm a cute girl, and that seems to be the thing to do in New York. This is not what I'm looking for, but I'm afraid if I meet him, and I am attracted to him, I might cave. Note to self "Get a friend to call you to come meet them so you can get out of sticky situation."
Four: The last scenario, which would be ideal, is that we hit off as friends or romantically, and we go out again. I know, I know, that seems really boring, but that's okay. I'd be okay with that.
So far, I've only had two normal/interesting people. One, is my Texan pen pal. But for all I know, he could be crazy and not even from Texas. What if he created this whole Texan persona, faked all the pictures (one, including a picture of him in camo holding a gun) as a play to get unsuspecting, naive girls to write him, feeling safe because the guy was all the way in Texas. But what if he's really in New York, using every word against me, tracking me down and waiting to murder me in my sleep and chop me into little pieces and save me in his freezer. I know it sounds a little unrealistic, but these are things a girl has to think about when dating online. You can't let your guard down.
Then, there's a normal/interesting guy that I'm actually going to meet. Well, to start, he seems cute from his pictures. I'm not a shallow girl, I'm usually attracted more to personality than anything, but one can't help but wonder that maybe these pictures don't represent him well. Maybe they are really old and he looks totally different now. Or, what if he does look like his pictures, and I am actually attracted to him. That could be a good thing right? The only problem is, he seems to like me. And when someone likes me, I always think, "What's wrong with this person?" I'm not an insecure person, but in my life of romance, it usually seems to be the case that if someone I like, likes me back, there is some sort of issue that hinders the relationship.
There are a couple of different scenarios for when I meet this person.
One: I meet him, and he's a loser.
I don't think that will happen. He seems to be very honest about who he is and what he's doing. And I've liked him so far.
Two: He could fall madly in love with me and want to marry me.
This also seems unlikely, which is good, because this is not what I want
Three: He could just want to sex me
This scenario is highly probable because, well, I'm a cute girl, and that seems to be the thing to do in New York. This is not what I'm looking for, but I'm afraid if I meet him, and I am attracted to him, I might cave. Note to self "Get a friend to call you to come meet them so you can get out of sticky situation."
Four: The last scenario, which would be ideal, is that we hit off as friends or romantically, and we go out again. I know, I know, that seems really boring, but that's okay. I'd be okay with that.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Shirtless Guy1
So, I think, when dating online, people would want to represent themselves well. Most people won't even read your profile if they don't like the picture. That's why I don't understand all the shirtless douche bag pictures.
For instance, I was online the other day, when Shirtlessguy1 starts chatting with me...
"Hi"
Normally, in person, I'm very nice, I don't like to hurt people's feelings, but online, there's not as much pressure. I feel like I can just be honest. And besides, if you're going to put a shirtless picture up for your profile pic, it's just screaming, "Douche bag Alert!" But I have to admit, that I love the positioning of the picture. The originality of taking the picture in the mirror, with a cell phone, the placement of the cell phone in one hand, and the flexing of the other arm. As far as douche bag pictures go, it's probably the best I've seen. So I respond.
"What's up with the profile pic?"
"Like?"
"Not really." But the thing with online chatting is, he didn't get to hear the tone of disgust in my voice. But I guess it was enough because he stopped talking to me.
So then, I started to feel guilty for being so mean. Maybe he saw my profile and thought that we were compatible. So I decide to look at his profile. First off, it said that we are a 0% match. That's ok. I'm sure these dating sites don't always get that stuff right. So I decided to compare our self summaries and interests....
My self summary: I am an actor with a focus in improv and comedy. I enjoy baking, water skiing...etc
ShirtlessGuy1 self summary: I am looking for a good time. Any girls in the NYC area looking for the same
Ok, I like fun. But probably not the type he's talking about...
What I'm doing with my life: Dog walking to pay rent, comedy and break dancing by night..etc
ShirtlessGuy1 what he's doing with his life: FunFunFunFunFun
My favorite books: At the moment I'm reading a lot of trashy friendship novels. Think the movie "Beaches" in novel form
ShirtlessGuy1's favorite books: FunFunFunFunFun
You get the idea...
What I'm looking for: New friends, long term dating, short term dating, activity partners, long distance pen pals
ShirtlessGuy1 is looking for: New friends
Now, based on his profile, I don't think that is completely accurate. There is a "Casual sex" category, he could have put that. I would have even accepted "Activity partners". That seems more appropriate than "New Friends" Well, I wish ShirtlessGuy1 all the best. I hope he finds what he's looking for.
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